I feel the “thing” you are bringing me called depression is much deeper and wider than I can comprehend. Is this an addiction which has the ability to comfort my agreements? Why are you here Karmic-depression? I am under the understanding that you do not come unless asked for and opened through acceptance. Do I ask for your bringing’s because of some comfort? Do I keep asking for more? Do I keep hanging on to your every word now? Does one word and its vibrations lead me into another vibration until it all makes sense to me? Am I now making sense of this depression as good? Am I keeping my searches going within the course of the victimhood I needed so my courage can guide me your way? Does this form of living even require courage or does this form of living require release from living, or an amount of both? Am I now excused from happiness of life because of comforts and excuses I am creating for your returns of depression? In my asking of you karma, did you intrigue me one step at a time, each time I begged for more satisfaction as I grew to know you as an emotion? And did you send me cooperative companions in order to fulfill my paradise Karma? Is my heart now beating to your rhythm, my mind with your understanding, my body to our acceptance, and is my search for well-being now coordinating my soul with depression?
Am I asking for an understanding that cannot be had? After all, I think you step on or onto everyone during life, right? How do I get this taste of you? How do I not get this taste of you? It has been said that all great-thinkers have tasted you, as well as all great none-thinkers. How is my mind allowing this side of your entrance? How does my mind allow your destructive waves to flow into my world? Do I get a choice with my emotions and feelings on how deep I want to feel this confused yet familiar impact of my creations onto my realities?
My most cherished thought of you Karma, is the rest I can acquire from you when I have this need to get through and past this shock I have encountered within. You allow me a chance to rest within a small amount of your space in order to depress and slow down my weakened or disheartened mind, body and soul. I can feel this space as restful and quiet. Here, I do realize in my heart that I can not stay with you too long as this vibration, but I also know that it will hurt my heart as I must step away and get on with another cycle of living. It still feels nice to not have to think about the outside world and only carry the thoughts locked within my mind for this moment. I do know Karma, you will be ready for me as I move on to whatever I am able to reach for once again. Here, I am thankful for your rest and the rest of my story.
I am feeling that you will keep feeding me every significant thought-process in order for me to taste every flavor until I am fully satisfied. Any and all worries are answered with gusto, any frights are answered in true panics and any guilt’s are answered in diverse shame. Thus, all my systems begin seeking for the comforts of dissatisfaction, including all feelings of loss, unworthiness, brokenness, and poverty which are there for your fulfillment. Will anything capable of allowing me to stay in this space void the goodness of searched-for emotions once known?
How do I find a new way of asking? Karma, are you the one bringing to me tiny glimpses of new explorations I may pursue when I am able to view them? Are you letting me know that I must now take the control for even my thoughts? Have you been asking me all along not to diminish the value walks along my way of looking for the good in things, of listening for the optimistic and the encouraging words within the sentences of my hearing or of communicating the positive-learned words throughout opportunities of my speaking? Has it now come to this NOW of being given the opportunity of hanging on to my life with all the things I have thus created onto my soul? Are you saying that now, in these times of depressions, is the time when all the Good, Happy, Nice, Kind, Loving, possessions stored within my soul can be remembered and drawn upon as the good I invite within my life in order to bring my life into this remembrances of Goodness again?
Then again, listen Karma, in another of your many forms I am understanding that sometimes, I feel this void, this absence of anything, into an introduction of nothingness. With this one Karma, I feel the danger of not finding a solid word for the capability of hanging on within these walls of only invisible abstracts. This one is the invite to lose myself into this space of emptiness. I find myself searching for that way back into a humanity by finding some newly absence of sense within my race- mind. I vision conceptions that are now these intangible pictures trying to evolve with me. I sometimes make this void the definitive completeness of wickedness. I sometimes make this void combinations or collections of masses, of colors, of blending’s of unknown illustrations which I would not be conscious of if I were in a world of some kind of grounded state. Within this absence of being, I find the sacredness of delving into no-thought, no expectations, no time, no hope, just a space of gray, sometimes different shades of black. This ambiance brings me in and out, leaving me with intense feelings of fear of this unknown NoThing; the loss of who I am. Karma, are you yelling within inside that I am in the process of creation, the process of creating who I am for my new Now! Are you gently reminding me to create the scream of either Love or Fear; whichever is my comfort and whichever I can ask for will be answered by my most predominate learned intensions? Are you building my confidence here so I may feel the comforts within this prism? On the other side of the coin, are you re-building my confidence here so I may reemerge with some kind of new understanding of how I no longer love the dimension I created by taking on these nothing-of-value things and using my thinking upon a new construction of wonderment for the promises I can remember by grabbing upon hope? Also, are you bringing me some friends of help? These people that are showing up as my creations, as my order of self I have now become, are they from you Karma? Are they tangible or intangible or is this also up to my consciousness of creation? Are you saying they are my now company and to watch as each creation shows me where love can be found?
Are you there Karma, behind me, whispering, telling me, once I invited you in as the depression of desire, it is time for me to choose?
And here we go, just one jump deeper into a despair concepts of my choosing; the continuance of my choices which will lead me into my own death which I call suicide. What is this Karma? May I consider this the road leading to my ending? May I consider this an opportunity offered by you? May I consider this one of my life choices of so many journeys? May I consider this an end to a pain which I have befallen on? What? You are whispering to me, what is there left to explain? Each movement was my opportunity of energy and strength into a form of human evolvement? But now with each attempt, I have this concept of all that I have become and the leaps which are now my requirements are exhausting my soul to a purpose of obtaining that which is the easiest to obtain. What is that saying to me Karma? That you are bringing something upon me or that I am giving-up in effort and releasing myself unto whichever is there for my easiest listening?
My justification being that there is the pain of this illness; whether it is the pain of this physical illness or this mental illness, it still considered an illness, right? But by getting to this place of comfortable so- called suicide, you are giving me the opportunity of listening to my thoughts, although it is becoming harder for me to evaluate each thought. I can listen to them all coming with me now, in togetherness and I can feel myself becoming my thoughts, not my thoughts transforming me into something of my choosing anymore. For that matter, the quality of choices I remember once having, I can’t remember anymore! But Karma, are you being very insistent now that it is my time to choose; Always the choice is mine- is the beat within in my heart?
Karma, because you allow so many avenues of exploration within you, I am yearning for the sense of life’s calmness. Now looking into that, I am wondering if you are as attractive as I once thought since I cannot find neither calm nor peace here. I would not call you a familiar scent, I would call you an unfamiliar odor. I find myself awaiting your next trace of space brought to me, not at all allowing me the opportunity of expressing our next encounter. May I call you the anxiety before my fallen calmness? Maybe I still do not know what it is I am looking for? Maybe I needed to delve into you in order to get out of you? Maybe I am lost in my own spaces of choices and you just seems like the easiest?
Maybe you always seem so attractive until you don’t?
Forever Cheryl
“Minds will Matter”