Hello, it’s me again. Now, how about me Karma, as the older homeless dad but also having children I can rely or impose upon. If you can understand, times have changed and just by me being able to live off this land for so long, there is no way I can get back into the swing of new things! I have scrambled every morning surviving my hungers, the elements, and my body pains; get it? I have talked every day to the trees, my friends, the strangers I get from, the animals and rodents, the waters, the fruits and vegetables, and then there are these people that give me food and once in a while shelter when I can make it over there. Now you see, I cannot make my living anymore by being in a four cornered house, with a family and trying to live and talk with family again. Too much is required. I am my own person, and they need me to change to be one of them again. Even if they let me come and visit, I still can’t be one of them and talk about something or dress to their preference. I now have Less than them and yet nothing they have makes me want that or makes any sense to have. As a matter of fact, anything they say to me does not matches with anything I know or need to know. I will take money, but not too much so my friends in my world will not hurt me in order to take it; so give me just enough. Seems living life is all relative. So Karma, understand me and do not punish me for being on my own now. Karma, do you think some kind of family can just come around and bring me little bucks once in a while to keep me going? I do deserve that don’t I? They gotta find me first! Of course, I stay in one place a long time, so I am not that hard to find. I do have my own space; my space of lessness. Can you make it easier for me and have them give me some money? Or does my state of homelessness repulse their states of being? Could there be really truly a truth to this energy compatibility thingy which puts persons in these states of acceptance or rejection? Do you think my looks, smell, and actions are the reasons their thoughts ignore me now? Maybe your telling me that giving little tries with talking to family might lead up to better things with family or less rejection? It’s hard to step into their space when I have nothing to offer, and I do mean nothing. Of course, this may take more work than I’m willing to give?
I am thinking that it is okay to die this way, homeless. After all, we all go into the ground in some form or other, I just might be getting used to it faster than others. Do you think I will just be ready to die, when others may be fighting death? Could that be a reason I am homeless? Thinking again, no, because as I look around, others sure look like they are enjoying life and I can tell you that my enjoying life is only a faint smile every now and then. Where and what are my reasons for enjoying anything Karma? I am sure I deserve some type of enjoyment once in a while Karma, everyone does here, right? Can you send some my way? Are you telling me you do? Just look for it? I am telling you that you don’t, you need to look!
Me somewhere again, this time as a homeless mom. The following is both my explanation and questions to you Karma. As you know, I worked all my life but as you can see, life goes on and all thing evolve. There must be a reason why we have to keep trying and trying to keep up with the ongoing evolvements, but many of us can’t. You see, the things we learn, no longer apply to life. Life just evolves at this faster pace, leaving us behind until we are considered the dinosaurs of old times. There must be a reason that I am being left behind? Can you name this reason for me Karma? What good does it do to learn as the child, teenager, and adult? Now you are bringing upon me more complications as an adult, but you are moving so fast that what you gave me to learn thus far, is not applicable anymore. So look, I stopped learning because you know, I became a wife, mother, single with all its obligations! But you see Karma, my learning did expand in these ways, but it sure is not doing any good now! How am I homeless when I have done all the things you have asked of me Karma? I have been dealing with the things I now know and eventually, this is not enough! Why did you stop bringing upon me the things I needed just to survive? There came this point where the youngsters took over the world and I lost my way of earning my income. Yes, I struggled with the money I had in order to survive my long lifetime, by as you can see, all that is asked of me during my life is too much for me to handle now. I had me, once in a while my husband and children to support before, why am I not reaping those I seeds I sowed? Is that the way you say it works Karma? But I am homeless? Could it be those that I helped along the way are simply too busy living their lives, thinking of their lives, making up who they are and knowing only themselves and their families now? Are you revealing something to me Karma? Somehow, I am not getting it? Will I ever? The Lessness of my havings became more and more until I could see the less and less Lessness and became homeless at last. Karma, how did I get here? I cannot find a way to get out. What do you have in store for me, and why? I cannot say I did anything wrong, just making a living, someway, became not making it. What could I have done any different in order that the Pendulum would not swing upon me, but for me?
You know, do you by any chance think that sharing my life with another person could have meant you Karma, sharing with me? IIs that what it means to give in order to receive? Is it like, never cease? I’m just saying that after I fulfilled my family obligations, wasn’t it time to think about myself? Because I felt I did my part when I had the energy and strength. Should I have been sharing myself with someone in order to receive more of what this sharing thing of yours accomplished? Is there something to the saying “I am not the only one”? You know by looking at it now, sharing myself with someone again would have made this life different. Is it that which is known to me as fear that had me alone? Is this a form of fear that has entered my thoughts about sharing myself now with whomever? Is this a form of fear which has brought me to this place of homelessness, simply stated; to become amongst who I am now? A loner? Always looking over my shoulder for my own safety? Anything I would have done would have changed something; But who knew? Maybe even a step of saying hello to anyone, every day? But who knew? Are you showing me Karma that everything matters?
Now Karma; the drug, booze, and smoking thingy’s. Yes, I did my share, but so has everyone else. We all need a relaxation or two or three. As long as I’m not hurting anyone right? Oh, are you telling me to look at the energy these bring about for and to me? Are you telling me to look deep? Okay, but this will take a while. Another time, another story.
Now don’t get me wrong Karma, as I grow older I am inclined to think less and slower, which is all part of the Lessness I am creating. I can feel my aliveness working harder and harder to feel alive. I am breaking my body down faster because it does truly seem that every part is connected to each other part. I do know that I am joining everyone else as they grow old, Karma; it does holds true that everyone must die. But now I think that it is the way in which I spend every day which creates my feelings throughout each ending and beginning I came upon.
Looking back, I am living my life the way I chose. Life of responsibilities ending up being all for myself, knowing myself as this. I am looking out for me or those that I let into my world when I chose to or help if I chose too. I am the picker and chooser of my life. Karma, did I give others the chance of choosing for themselves without a fight? Do I make my own everyday, everyway choices from anger, remorse, fear, doubt; the Lessness choices? Did I allow myself to be the lover of their choices just because of love itself? Karma, did I love everything just as they were and let be? And Karma can you tell me, when anything affected me, did I just love for its own sake or did I judge each infraction, pain, misery, or joy? Can you tell me Karma, when exactly did I ever make the decision of having less? Can you tell me Karma, when did I exactly make the decision of becoming Homeless?
Karma, why are each endings flooding me with gateways to more decisions? I can feel that each time I am taking with me that which I already know, this knowledge seems to be leading me to lessness and lessness. How do I get to the moreness and moreness?
Is this about love?
Forever Cheryl
“Minds will Matter”