Karma, now I am in your Space of Lessness, homelessness.
Alright Karma, I gotta really open my Mind up in order to get into some comfortable space with you. Somewhere in space we shall meet right? Oh yes, I know that most of me, the things I see, and the things I don’t see is mostly space. So this has my mind thinking, there must be so much space for me to play with and in! I must keep understanding that you are a force or essence or thingy and thus must flow along with all “things”. So differently are your rules than are the rules I’m stuck with, the regulations I adhere to, my learned attitudes or learned judgments. Could it be that maybe you are intertwined with the stillness; maybe you’re my movement? Hmm, that would be interesting, the movement which allows my moves, thus the dance! Do I move within and through my own life, with you, us together, within that Stillness; not just coming at me as I had imagined you? How do I get in touch with my actions with you; are you saying no need?
Let me give you my thoughts and look at what you have coming back to me. Let’s get into me. Let me dig into some cosmic remembrances.
I walk through town in the mornings and I can see me, a homeless being sleeping on the ground; sometimes I would consider it too cold, sometimes I would consider it too hot to be on the ground. It’s not that fun, but I just find a place where I can be left alone at first. I am still now, deep into my misery, yet not really quite capable of defining my life as misery, only survival. Maybe that is just what happened, I just got tired of trying to understand everything?
I can walk outside, and I can watch myself as a homeless being walking around with my possessions and carrying on conversations with unseen beings (after all, I am talking to you Karma!). I always seem to have company. I can go to the front of stores, and sit around talking to my friends; sometimes pleasantly, sometime angrily, depending on my mood. Sometimes I try to talk to “other” people I see. They ignore me, so I find there is no use in trying. With these ” other types”, I doubt if we have anything interesting to say to each other anyway, they bore me and I bore them! They just don’t understand me. Maybe that is what happened, I just got tired of listen? Maybe that is what happened, they just don’t understand me?
So, again, sometimes I can lay on the grass, or lay on a hard cement sidewalk, but I do not have an address. Can’t be responsible for an address right now. Maybe that is what happened, i got so tired of all that responsibility? Did you notice Karma, one responsibility lead to another responsibility when I had an address?
Okay, as I roam from place to place I leave my messes all around, I just leave them. Let all who want to see, look at them, my messes! I sure don’t remember caring, i only have myself to care about. That’s a good thing, right Karma? Maybe that is what happened, I just got tired about caring.
I promise myself to be ready each day for each day. Whatever it takes I tell myself.
Sometimes I ask for money, what this society calls begging; sometimes getting some money, sometimes not. My problem right now is, I know I need money, yes, I know, but with each bone, it gets harder just to get up and beg. It’s like a well-meant script, just seems when times are harder out there for me, people are also harder. So Karma, you know I need money, why aren’t you giving it to me, you see me beggin? I’m not stealing when I’m beggin! Seems to me, begging is a force too. Do I have to beg more in order to get more in return? What does it take? Does it mean I must turn-my-cheek to the glares and evil looks, and concentrate on beggin for more? Cause right now that is all I can really do. You see, I don’t work, I really don’t know how or where to go, or how to do it. Its been such a long time since I have wanted to work. Is this my problem? . I’m asking in order to receive, Karma, I’m following the law. I see nothing wrong except the haves are not so giving which means I have to get hungry. You need to reward me Karma for doing the right things but it doesn’t feel like rewards if I need money to buy something I really need. Maybe that is what happened, I just got tired of doing?
Sometimes I find myself going to places I know will feed me. Sometimes I can make it there, but as I grow older, sometimes I can’t. So I go without eating sometimes. Why do you not feed me every time I am hungry? I pass by restaurant windows and watch people eat all the time, yet I have no food. How is that decided for me by you Karma? If I bother people, sometimes I care and sometimes I don’t. Why don’t you just force them outside to give me some of their food? What is wrong with you Karma, use that force for me! How did I get to the place of hunger? Maybe that is what happened, I just didn’t paying attention to my healthy fulfillment’s?
Sometimes I have to find places to clean myself up, but then again, my friends don’t seem to mind because I don’t seem to mind them. But here, my point is, when I get too dirty, I need to clean up. Sometimes the dirt hurts my skin. Sometimes I can’t even stand my own smell because I still remember some smell of clean. What is allowing me to stay within this dirtiness and know this feeling Karma? Sometimes I just do not have any clothes left to put on. Just to cover myself. Sometimes I do not have clothes to keep me warm in the cold winter or protect me from the hot sun in the summer, whichever the case will be. Why Karma, are you looking at me and not allowing protection from the elements? The clothes I now have and carry are few, how are you not calling this judgement when I can see you giving the “others” more than enough clothes.? Maybe that’s what happened, I began being inattentive to my own appearance?
Do I scare people? Do I look different than “other” people? Most of the time I can’t really care, but once in a while I can remember I had a reason to care. Maybe that’s what happened, I just couldn’t deal with all that it takes to live up to appearances. Many times, people, “others” and things were not as they appeared anyway. Maybe that is just what happened, I wanted to appear as me and scare the hurts away?
And speaking of Mystic, Mother Nature herself, if I am living off of her land, why is she not helping me? She’s a Mother, why are you not allowing her to take care of me, one of her children, Karma? Why are you getting in her way? Or Gods ways or Grace and Mercy’s way for that matter? Are you stopping them from helping me for one of your strange reasons?Where is my help when she brings on the rain, or the storms, or the hot sun, or the wind? Why doesn’t she just make it perfect weather, she is perfect isn’t she? Maybe i have never thought about how each season has a reason. Maybe I did not realize all it takes in order to keep this earth alive for me to live on in the first place. Maybe I had no gratitude to give then, simply by not looking?
Dear Karma, where is my family when I need them? Would you not say, blood is thick? Really, they did give me life, is that all there is? Okay Karma, yes, I was raised up in an environment. I was a little rebel, but I was learning who I was to become, Right Karma? So are you saying this is what I learned and who to become? Are you saying no one is responsible for me? Are you saying my attitudes of making no attempts to understand their plans for me, my lack of respecting their places of address which they provided for me, my not caring about them or anything about them, the habits they were attempting to instill in me in order to learn the discipline it takes to work in this real world that were unacceptable to me, my attitude of taking my daily breads for granted, my carelessness for my daily hygiene, the fears within me they were trying to calm within their safety and my way of fighting my fears without inviting their safety and the care they took upon me when I needed medical attention along with all the other life lessons, that my family, as a family, were using everyday to help us all get ahead, were not appreciated by me or that I felt no need to see? Are you asking me to believe that it is now their choice to treat me as whom I have become? Are you now telling me Karma that I may have placed myself so far away from their energy requirements, that I am no longer seen as an equal member? Karma, are you informing me that my family may finally be seeing and hearing and feeling me as who I am now? Are you saying they have grown into a dynamic that is now unrecognizable to me and vice-a-versa? Maybe this is what happens when I run so far away from family values, that I have no more?
True, some people looking at me will call me crazy or mentally disturbed within my brain functions. But, I see these people as functioning and thriving within this society also as mentally disturbed! So how and why am I losing so much and how and why did I get a much slower functioning ability Karma? Was I born like this? Is this what one version of your cosmic principle means when it states that rewarding me or punishing me in this incarnation is done according to my deeds in my previous incarnation? If this is so, where do I get the opportunity to break this cycle? I am not getting any better, only worse! Maybe this is what has happened, I have not been able to get past any disturbing issues this whole life time?
How about my illnesses Karma, these hurts and pains that I suffer from? Each day I can feel my body system breaking down slowly but surely. With all the other things that are working against me, how can my own body do this to me? How did this come about; for sure sickness is not asked for by me or by any one? Just exactly what do you have to do with this? Is it true that each bad feeling and each good feeling causes a body reaction throughout living movements? Maybe that is what happens when I did not care to take care of my body, not realizing it would have to last me for oh, so long?
How about my Mind, Karma? Yes, I can admit this to you. I have drank a bottle or two of soft and hard drinks. Yes, I have consumed a pill or two of prescription and street drugs. Yes, I have delighted in the intoxication of some hallucinatory drugs or two. But, who hasn’t? Realistically wise, in order to get Wise, this is the way of Science, Right? So, I am asking you, why is my mind forcing me to see my reality becoming narrower and narrower, smaller and smaller, with very little choices left for me, while Science is expanding all its views and outlooks? Could it be that I am not meant to indulge?
Now Karma, what about my self-preservation? Have you ever thought about being a women and having to worry about living the homeless life? That’s a whole different set of worries all in its own! It’s a dangerous life, demanding for anything I own and at all costs. My life is harsh and full of dangerous situations and at times life threatening. I have to learn any forms of self-defense which totally changes me from who I was into whom I have become. Sometimes the dangers come onto me from my neighbors, sometimes from my friends, sometimes from authorities, sometimes from strangers. Oh, does this ever work on my mind, my body, and my soul. Maybe that’s what happened when I just let my self worth get chipped away, little by little and never fought for my own defense when I had the chance?
Here is the other question Karma, who am I now? Is it you that has regressed me into who I am? Do you keep laying things on me, one after another, like situation after situation, Karma after Karma until I am this beat up human being? How are you helping me, as I see you helping others?
Is this your idea Karma? As you see me, what would make anyone think that I would not try with all my might to be normal and live within this normal society? Well, tell me Karma, what actually do you call a normal society? What if I sometimes like it here, in my society? What can I be thinking? Then again, what am I doing to keep this homeless situation from going on and on and on? Because sometimes I don’t like it here. Why are you keeping me down and what did I do to bring this upon me? Well, when I want to come up that is. Maybe that’s what happens when I have no more goals and where I am at a moment that makes me feel like a blah…….?
Now, take one last look Karma. Take a long good look, do you see where it is getting harder and harder to live in this society as the norm anyway? I am not the only one. Jobs are being loss or adults are getting older and I cannot afford the new society; it’s not just my fault for living like this. But why would you come down on me when it is not my fault? Are you sending money, a home to live in, health, clothes, jobs, a new soul my way? Are you showing me Hope? Do you have hope for me Karma, when I need it?
Karma, you say you will never give me more than I can handle, right? Maybe you’ve got a point there?
Now Karma, what about this Soul of mine? Is it OK?
While I am able to think, let me think back at how I was lead into this situation….to be continued.
Forever Cheryl
“Minds will Matter”